ch-ch-changes

My computer operating system is Windows Vista. It is, in my opinion, a decent upgrade from XP and I appreciate the translucent window frames, flawed mainly in the exclusion of MS Office Suite.

In truth, I really don’t care about Vista very much save for the drop down bar in Firefox of frequently visited websites. The very last one is the login page for this blog. I don’t update this very often, nor do I check up on it regularly. I believed that as a writer, I would do both several times per week. And yet, as infrequent as my attention is to both this blog and my career aspirations, it remains #12 among my most visited websites, barely clinging onto the edges of my immediate consciousness.

Since June, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I rediscovered my latent dream of being a writer, pushed off through four years of college and a year of post-bacc parties and work. Everybody I have spoken to since knows about my desire to attend grad school at Emerson College in Boston, obtain my MA in Journalism, and work for a radio station or news site. I began my applications six months before they were due, before most even had the 09-10 school year apps ready. I networked with people, took a job at a newspaper hoping to eventually transfer to editorial, and even wrote an article for my hometown paper. I visited Boston in November to make sure this was really what I wanted. I concluded it was.

And yet. I missed deadlines. I haven’t asked for letters of rec. I haven’t taken the GRE. I haven’t touched the app essays in over a month. I haven’t even filed my tax return, thus applying for FAFSA is impossible. Worse yet, I have no desire to do any of these things. Emerson’s app deadline is March 1.

Right now I am faced with making enormous decisions. Two weeks ago my brother asked if I wanted to be his kids’ nanny, living for free and getting paid to hang out with my neices and nephew. I accepted. As of April, I will be living in Vermont.

But as I am faced with the stress of moving far away from my California life, I also am having to face the likely postponement of a dream I cannot afford. Neither my parents nor I have the money for grad school. My lack of motivation is driven by a lack of self-confidence and inability to commit to things under pressure. And I am left wondering, would it really be so bad if I put this off for another year?

I really don’t know. Between quitting my job, moving home, seeing family and friends, and planning a cross-country road trip to VT, I see little time for getting my shit together.

I believe I will close with a little quote from Salon’s Cary Tennis:

But if you simply lack ambition, I take my hat off to you. The world is way too full already of overly ambitious fucks elbowing us out of the way on the streetcar.

I take my hat off to you. Give yourself a break. Take another day off.