it’s a small world after all

My world has become very small in eleven weeks. I am frequently concerned about how I am perceived by my small world, which is a direct cause of an immaculate pairing of stress and a drop in self-esteem. I hate admitting that my self-confidence has taken a toll because it means admitting that I may have made a mistake, and that I have let someone else’s opinion (or past/future opinions) of me become integral to my own self-perception. I hate admitting this may have been an impulsive choice because it implies several things I am unwilling or unready to confront. For instance, had I not moved here, I would have borne the guilt of not being around for my brother and his family during his surgeries. Not only do I feel guilty for not wanting to be here, but I would have felt guilty anyways had I never accepted their offer.

(written at 11pm June 19, 2009)